This week, Steve – after a long social media hiatus – took to Facebook. Not to rant, post a joke, or comment on news of the day, but to access community; to reach out to friends near and far for help.

Steve has depression. He’s had it in varying degrees since long before we met almost 17 years ago, and there have been times where the dark days have stretched out and taken over. Sometimes it comes in clumps, other times as isolated episodes. It can disappear for days or for months; it can be mild or profound. And when he’s in the thick of it, it’s completely beyond his control.

With our families and many of our good friends living far away, and us being new to our area, sometimes it’s easy to feel like we don’t have a support network. That’s what Steve was trying to reach for with his Facebook post: as the song goes, a little help from his friends. 

What happened from there, for me, is social media at its most beautiful. Family and friends from down the road and across the world responded with messages of support, both on Facebook and through getting in touch with him directly to let him know they are there for him whenever he needs them. People he hasn’t seen or talked with in ages. And others spoke up about their own experiences with depression and anxiety, too.

It’s like an enormous weight has lifted from Steve’s shoulders. He’s happier, lighter than I’ve seen him in a long while. He looks younger. And it’s made me – and by extension, Declan – feel lighter too. There’s been a lot of laughter in our house in these last few days.

Depression is more than a little contagious. I can only speak for myself, but as a person that is (often to my own peril) a sponge for other people’s emotions, it’s tough not to sink down and find it all too hard. And then there’s the anxiety, the constant churning of my mind: how can I help him? Do I give him space, or stay close? And when the clouds part to let in the sunshine, how long will it last?

Steve’s ‘outing’ (for want of a better term) on Facebook came as a bit of a surprise to me. While it’s not been a secret as such (many of our close friends know at least a little about it), the raised-in-a-small-and-judgmental-town girl deep inside me freaked out a little about a public airing of the family laundry. Ironically, perhaps, given this blog is mostly personal in nature.

But I quickly checked myself, for lots of reasons. But the most important two?

Firstly, depression is nothing to be ashamed of or hidden away. It’s real, and it affects so many aspects of the daily lives of an estimated 350 million people, irrespective of gender, race, religion, socio-economic status, and whatever other constructed labels govern how we see each other. Hiding it away just adds to the stigma, and makes it so much harder for those afflicted with depression and the people who love them.

And secondly, it takes a shedload of courage to put yourself out there and to ask for help. I’m so proud of that man right now.

I believe in no small part that this step is his way of showing me he’s ready to tackle it head-on this time; a public commitment. And frankly, that means everything.

Anyway, I know this post is a bit of a departure from the usual focus of seeding the wild… But I couldn’t not take this chance to share just how proud I am of him. And to remind others with depression, or living with and loving someone affected by it, that it can feel pretty lonely and be hard to ask for help. But it makes a huge difference to your outlook when you do. No-one can really know exactly what anyone else is going through, but they sure as hell won’t have a real clue unless you open up.

I know it’s not a case of ‘great, it’s all sorted now’, that it’s a bumpy, winding road. But rallying a support crew to help get you there is a pretty ace start. In the wise words of Steve’s lovely niece: you can tame the black dog… you just need to figure out what treats it likes.

We’re on our way.

xJen
seeding the wild